Stuff Calvinists Like....

This was posted over at The Blazing Center today by Stephen Altrogge. It's humorous but, at times, painfully true:

I'll come right out and say it: I’m (mostly) reformed. That means I believe in things like unconditional election, total depravity, etc. I believe that those are biblical doctrines.

One of the main complaints I’ve heard against reformed Christians is that they’re arrogant and like to bash people over the head with truth. And to be honest, there’s probably some truth in that. But I don’t want to be an arrogant Calvinist. I have a lot to be humble about, including my little reformed quirks. So to help us stay humble, I’ve compiled a “Stuff Calvinists Like” list.

Calvinists Like…

Using Air Quotes When We Say “Free Will”

If you say the words “free will” without putting air quotes around it, we’ll stop you in your tracks and begin a five point interrogation. To be safe, put air quotes around anything that sounds like “free will”, such as “free willy”.

Making Resolutions

Jonathan Edwards, who is the Calvinist equivalent of Spiderman, made over seventy resolutions. We Calvinists like to make resolutions, post them on our blogs, and then not do them. We mainly just like to say the word “Resolved”. And the word “Institutes”.

Quoting John Piper

We try to maintain a 2:1 Bible to Piper ratio. We quote two Bible verses and then a sentence out of Don’t Waste Your Life. When we see someone collecting sea shells, we say, “What’s he going to do with that shell collection when he gets to heaven?”

Moleskine Journals

Apparently there is something spiritual about Moleskine journals because every Calvinist owns at least four. One for devotional notes, one for sermons notes, one for prayer lists, and one for fantasy football stats. For some reason we also use fountain pens, even though using a fountain pen is like trying to write with an octopus.

Correcting Someone When They Say “Lucky”

Please don’t say the word “lucky” around me. It was providence, not luck. And that breakfast cereal you’re eating? Providence Charms.

Loving On C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis is basically the Bono of the reformed world. He was definitely not a Calvinist, but we still go absolutely crazy for the guy. Yes he held some unbiblical doctrines, but you still have to love him. Only a cold-hearted machine would get angry at a guy who wrote about centaurs and fawns.

Showing That We’re Culturally Relevant

People often associate reformed doctrine with stuffy, old, out-of-touch churches. We don’t like that, and do all we can to prove our relevance. So we’ll make references to the show Full House and talk about how much we love Creed (even though they’re probably not Christian, but we’re not sure).

Okay, that’s a start. We reformed people can be pretty ridiculous at times, and have a lot to be humble about. If you’re not reformed, that’s okay. What matters most is the gospel.

What else would you add to the list?