... IF I EVER KNEW... (My Sad Story)

I don't know how to start yet it took me more than 3 days to post this entry in my blog. I met my classmate, Mazura in Facebook and we were like so happy catching up with each other after 10 years and I suddenly asked her about my ex-boyfriend. She only answered me a day later via Yahoo Messenger but she was asking me to be strong to accept the news that she will convey. "Pat, be strong ok? He passed away....." Mazura hasn't finished her words then I replied with questions like, "Whatt?? Whennn??? Why???? How???" Yes, he left us all nearly 2 years ago, in Miri. I don't care about the death's cause but I was like, in shock. I accept the news without tears! When I stopped chatting with Mazura, I grabbed all my strength to click my MP3 collection, most of them are used to be our love songs, that I always keep... I started with Forever by Damage, Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton, Don't Say Goodbye - Human Nature, Hard To Say I'm Sorry - Az Yet...... the memories linger on.. so I'd like to dedicate this entry to Jue, I hope you can hear what my heart wants to say to you;

Do you still remember the first day we met? Yes, it was in December
1996 at the Polyclinic. You were asking my name and why I came for the medical check up. I told u that I was accepted to study at ITM. You told me the same reasons you were there and I was so glad to know you.

Do you still remember during the Orientation Week, whenever I looked at you, you will give your sweetest smile to me and after that the romance went on. I still remember the day we skipped our lectures and went to watch movie - Space Jam, oh yesss, I still love the song 'For You I Will' till now.

Still remember New Year's Eve of 1997? Yess, do you remember the first kiss still? We took a stroll at the beach under the moonlight and oh I remember how perfectly our relationship was until the day I found out that you double-timed me. Yes, it hurted me so much that I still have the scars on my left arms. You stopped me that day at the lake... we parted and the breakoff was the most painful I've ever had in my whole lifetime.

We reconciled the following year with my biggest hope, that you will leave her but it was a big mistake. I didn't want to be the third person so I walked away with another broken heart. ....

You have taught me the greatest lesson; what a real love is, how to love and be loved..... I really passed it all thru when I met my husband. Thanks to you for letting me go. I'm glad that you married her, finally. I'm just nobody, just a burden between both of you... If I could turn back the time, I want to tell you how happy I am now with my life, I have a perfect family and job.

Now listen, I forgave all your wrongdoings, all the things you did to break my heart long, long time ago. I don't hold grudge and I don't have anything against you. Rest in peace dear, deep inside my heart there always a place for you and our memories together.... Lastly, I dedicate this song in rememberance of our relationship. Goodbye....

Aku yang lemah tanpamu, Aku yang rentan karena

Cinta yang t'lah hilang darimu yang mampu menyanjungku

Selama mata terbuka, Sampai jantung tak berdetak

Selama itu pun aku mampu untuk mengenangmu

Darimu kutemukan hidupku, Bagiku kaulah cinta sejati

Bila yang tertulis untukku, Adalah yang terbaik untukmu

Kan kujadikan kau kenangan yang terindah dalam hidupku

Namun takkan mudah bagiku, Meninggalkan jejak hidupku

Yang t'lah terukir abadi sebagai kenangan yang terindah

... Thanks for everything and this is my last goodbye...

I did dream about him maybemore than a year ago. I woke up in the middle of the night and cried. I guess he was saying goodbye to me. I did try to recall back how does he look like, what his voice like but it seems like I can hardly recall everything, maybe your face was faded as the time flies. Yes, I don't know how to accept this news but finally this morning, I burst into tears before leaving for work. Thanks to hubby who consoled me with his hugs and tell me to move on and forgive him.

Thanks to you guys who are willing to read this. Thanks a lot.

"People come, people go but memories never fade.." - Cokelatrawkz