Some days it hits you out of nowhere

I really should be working but I just can't seem to get my mind off the appointment I will have later today with my mom. We have decided to call in Hospice, I need the help and sadly the end is getting closer and closer. I am not equipped to handle what is about to come so I have been told Hospice is the best answer.

I have mixed feeling about all of this. My Mom is my mom, however we have had our fair share of arguments, disagreements and fallouts throughout my entire life. Some of the things I had issue with I have long since let go, others seem to pop up every now and then, even now as we go to this final stage. It is extremely hard to care for someone when they are bitter and mean to you, yet I march on knowing this is my duty and what I assume any good daughter would do.

My father passed away when I was 12 and before that I really didn't know him since my parents bitterly divorced when I was 5. My mom is my only family with the exception of the family I have created with my husband. She had no siblings and her parents passed by the time she was 11, the cousins I do have all either passed on or are significantly older than I ,and really have no deep history or relationship with my mother. So to see her pass will mean a part of my history good bad or indifferent will be taken with her. The good times that we did share will only be my memories, which will become stories I will share with my children but sadly will not be able to share time and again with my mom or have my mom tell them in her own way to my children.

Yesterday while in the office a coworker of mine asked me “How do you do it all”, she was not aware of the current situation, I asked what she meant by “all” and she went on to say "Well you work full time in a stressful job, you have a husband and 3 kids, you are a volunteer, you take educational classes at work, you run 1/2 marathons, and who knows what else" I stopped for a minute and thought about what she said, I never really thought of it as a lot of stuff, it was just the stuff I had to do, then it hit me......My mother taught me that, she instilled that work effort, and drive to perform in me. Which then brought me to tears...... Saying goodbye is so very hard